Ashes Poetry

This could be a bloody long day, says Neil, my Aussie mate. Isn’t that just what you want? I reply. Mr Hussey looks ominously unfussy. Four overs in Flintoff finds the Lord’s line outside off-stump, Mr Cricket drives four and air. Each tests and raises the other’s game.

The ground’s filling with 1500 tickets left half-an-hour before play. Buying chips yesterday my daughter reports a group who were pleased there’s a fifth day since it gives them the chance for a carte blanche on fast-food alley – curry, kebabs, pizza, fish’n'chips and burgers, not to mention Aussie Mitchell Johnsons, sorry pies. What’s missing is that wonderful Black Country delicacy, Bacon and Paeses. Hussey holds back a drive since lunch approaches and edges, out. The game is still as finely balanced as at the start of play

Nearly an hour after lunch and the game is imperceptibly shifting from contest to drift, Australia are playing sensible cricket, the draw draws closer. Neil says there are no flags. Just a Southern Cross – with ‘Aus’ in red felt-tip on its edge which indicates no-one in Edgbaston is entirely sure what the Australian flag looks like – and a cross of St George. Not even a Union Flag, never mind a Warwickshire County Cricket Club. It’s odd with so much patriotic fervour in place.

4-259 North strokes Onions through covers, no one moves, most beautiful shot of series. Clarke joins North passing fifty to save Southern Cross. Draw. Once this is done, the game enters an immense passage of boredom and images of dead marshalling yards or quaysides full of rusting hulks in the weekend’s rain fill my mind. Perhaps it’s driving past the flattened acres of Longbridge, the burial yard of the British car industry each day. At any rate it’s definitely the most pointless session of cricket I’ve ever seen, the only pleasure is the smile on the Neilometer, which indicates Aussie cricket-watcher’s overall mood.

Safety In Numbers

On Monday 3rd August 2009
after the departure of four of their team
Clarke and North guided Australia from nine hours
out to safety. Navigating under the Southern Cross
in the northern hemisphere they reached haven
through diligence, application and no small measure
of audacity which brings its own fortune

On Sunday 21st April 1861
Burke and Wills reached Cooper’s Creek
nine hours after their team-mates had departed.
Supplies were left but strength meagre,
playing a harsher game for more serious stakes,
the exploration of Australia,
they died. Audacity brings its own fortune
and is a bitter impotent spectator

Tweet by Tweet Commentary

2-88 This could be a bloody long day, says Neil, my Aussie mate. Isn’t that just what you want? I reply. Mr Hussey looks ominously unfussy.

2-99 Four overs in Flintoff finds the Lord’s line outside off-stump, Mr Cricket drives four and air. Each tests and raises the other’s game.

2-118 Swann replaces Onions with a maiden. Hussey keeps going for broke, riding his luck to turn runs into time Flintoff works Watson over

2-123 Flintoff sledges Watson with his hands in his pockets. Is there no end to his talents? Short stuff to push the bat back for the yorker

2-132 Drinks. Aussie’s hour. 19 ahead.The one way they can win is bat badly, and England do worse. Watson’s fifty off Jimmy, ct Prior. 3-137

3-146 Hussey fifty, Clarke off mark with leave-alone that hits bat to run through slips Swann to Clarke critical given 2nd innings at Lord’s

3-151 Hussey brings up 150 with off-drive that Cooke misses cos he goes for it one-handed, sloppy work, Cooke’s tally for England now minus four

3-155 Clarke beaten by jaffa Anderson outswinger Nothing anyone can do about them except thank the heavens you’ve missed it Clouds duly come

3-161 Broad’s second over, batting seems easier; easing Swann from the attack is a small victory when Hussey edges 4-161 game edges poms way

4-171 England aim to throttle North outside off-stump, North smacks one through the covers, two balls to lunch, game evenly balanced…lunch

4-208 Swann on (at last) Flintoff’s possible last blast. Boycott thinks it’s all crackers Blighty needs to magic or buy a wicket, on #ebay?

4-209 Fred falls over, fifty partnership, counter-clockwise Mexican wave like water and plugholes in the southern hemisphere, (banned in Oz)

4-219 Bopara on for Flintoff, test average 155.00 – bowling, not batting – need to buy a wicket at any price but, Andrew, Bopara, white flag

4-236 big appeal off Swann goes upstairs. boot or bat. Law 3.1.2 explains all except why rules of cricket are called ‘Laws’ Get with it, MCC

4-249 comedy of errrors near run-out may lead to dishonorable mention in match report. Alim Dar shows niftier footwork than Rudi – new ball

4-259 North strokes Onions through covers no one moves most beautiful shot of series Clarke joins North passing fifty to save Southern Cross

4-293 last sesssion of play, dead game, watching paint dry inside the tin Bye-bye, y’all, see you at Headingley Carnegie this Friday

On Monday 3rd August 2009
after the departure of four of their team
Clarke and North guided Australia from nine hours
to safety. Navigating under the Southern Cross
in the northern hemisphere they reached haven
through diligence, application and no small measure
of audacity which brings its own fortune

On Sunday 21st April 1861
Burke and Wills reached Cooper’s Creek
nine hours after their team-mates had departed.
Supplies were left but strength meagre,
playing a harsher game for more serious stakes,
the exploration of Australia,
they died. Audacity brings its own fortune
and is a bitter impotent spectator

Hedley Verity

no one should die here, except in peace.
news travelled slowly; weeks, months or more passed
till all those who knew you heard of a hill
in Sicily, of wounds, of capture and death.

one more soldier, one more war,
where is its honour, except in us all,
to fight the aggressor who lives
in our breath, who heeds no call.

listen. it is the sound of a ball
beating bat, another wicket falls
in a ground well-hallowed:
the silence of dismissal
the ideal epistle
instant as the game goes on.

a telegram or a letter, perhaps a telephone call,
their mute finality makes no sense at all.
words march against destiny’s
order, fight those that are wrong
with the perfect flight of reason
to find, share and love in history’s throng.

It is our duty to cease yet care for others’ fall,
none should die, nor live, except in peace

Hedley Verity was arguably the best English slow-left armer ever. Wilfred Rhodes, who he replaced in the Yorkshire team, and who said ‘He’ll do’ is deemed top, and Derek Underwood, ‘Deadly’, current President of the MCC, is seen as number three of a triumverate. In 1934 Verity took 15 wickets, 14 in one day against Australia, Bradman twice, for England’s last Ashes victory at Lord’s till the current series. Two years earlier in the infamous Bodyline series, he ’stopped up’ one end while the quicks did their best/worst at the other. He was the only player on either side to lose his life in World War Two.

no great drama, simply done,
perfectly flighted, and spun.
flight to draw the bat towards the ball,
without the ball being where the bat is drawn,
that is the guile of the craft.

to beat the stroke through thin air
thins the air though the air
itself turns as one in the deception
twirled twixt fingers and thumb,
end of story, the rest perfunction.

once past the bat the bat is gone,
spin predictable, wicket inevitable
in the span between apogee and descent
where the very air seemed bent

to undo their best    created ahead
of the crease within the head for limbs
to heed and send the ideal missive,
no great drama, simply done,
set up by those before

Ponting R T b Swann 5

When Panesar came out to bat at Cardiff less than a month ago, did anyone either side of the Antipodes reckon that Australia would face being two-nil down in the series? To prevent this, their task or test is a mirror image of England’s in the first Test – to bat out just over a day to ensure safety.

Whether they will is the morrow. Yesterday was a great day’s cricket played by two less than great sides. For the first time in the series Australia let England’s batsmen get away from them. 376 was probably fifty too many, and 74 of them was scored by Freddie Flintoff in 79 balls. A magnificent innings, a true all-rounder’s innings, providing the fire-power in lieu of Pietersen. You must forgive a dropped slip-catch, and less than standard-bearing performance with the ball - not found that killer line on and just outside off-stump -  yesterday you saw the Flintoff of old at the crease, a colossus whose bat looks a spatula in his maw.

The Maker’s Name

I shall show them their maker’s name.
I shall not hide, nor angle nor feint,
But smite might with unholy power
The utmost of deliveries
Till their hope extinguishes,
exiled from the crease,
incarcerated for transgression,
denied deferred redemption
while I broad-blade all morrow into shape.
I am more than the Gods,
I am hero, I choose their fate
By the wreaking of havoc
When I show the maker’s name.

Edgbaston 3rd Test, 4th Day, England 376 all out, Flintoff A, ct Clarke b Horitz 74 from 79 balls

Flintoff was dismissed by a brute of a ball from offie Horitz which lifted from just short of a length. Unplayable. It’s that sort of a wicket, you need to graft as well as attack. Horitz came on after three overs from Watson which went for twenty-six, just helping England’s cause. Interestingly, when it came to Australia’s innings, Strauss fast-tracked his offie, Swann, ahead of Broad, 3/4th seamer. The reward for adventure? A pearler of a delivery which did opposing skipper Ponting all ends up. A ball which made all the frustration of no play yesterday a minor irritant, which made the £60 ticket a bargain at twice the price, a privilege to watch, not least the stunned delighted look on Graham Swann’s face which said ‘I’ve just done exactly what I set out to do, deceive arguably the best batsman in the world today all ends up. It doesn’t get better than this.’

The Ball

no great drama, simply done,
perfectly flighted, and spun.
flight to draw the bat towards the ball,
without the ball being where the bat is drawn,
that is the guile of the craft.

to beat the stroke through thin air
thins the air though the air
itself turns as one in the deception
twirled twixt fingers and thumb,
end of story, the rest perfunction.

once past the bat the bat is gone,
spin predictable, wicket inevitable
in the span between apogee and descent
when the very air seemed bent

to undo their best   created ahead
in the mind for the body
to heed and find the ideal ball,
no great drama, simply done,
set up by those before

 Ponting R T b Swann 5

Monty Panesar, please note, watch the video of your colleague’s over to Punter over and over again. That is why he’s in the team and you’re not. Unless you add guile to undoubted technical prowess and enthusiasm, saving the game at Cardiff may be your last achievement in an England shirt.

Will Australia save themselves, or will the weather? See tomorrow’s blog

Tweet by Tweet Commentary

five minutes to noon, and start of play Bad news Sean Ruane didn’t drown yesterday but back to murder Blake’s Jerusalem as well as our ears

141-3 Strauss, Lord High Protector, slashes Amish Ben Hilfenhaus when it gets big and CAMRA approved keeper Manou takes the edge unhurriedly

143-3 Johnson for Siddle ‘Brings on the Pies’ clowns the crowd. Bell bounced then off-drives four. Collingwood drives and edges 2 more 4s.

159-4 Collingwood drives two balls ahead of lunch, edges to slip. Poor shot selection, humble pie may be on menu, Hilfenhaus for a five-for.

166-4 Bell and Prior; classic technique vs box of spanners and at last Rudi gives Bell LB, for Flintoff to enter at 168-5 a collosus in pads

187-5 Aussies unlucky number. Super Centaur leans on the drive, four runs, as Fred gets bigger, Punter smalller, mutatis mutandis vice-versa

267-6 Fred Flintoff swipes Horwitz for six to level scores, then sweeps four for his fifty, “With my bat I shall present the maker’s name.”

290-6 Ponting micro-manages fillibustering field-changes to time two new ball bursts each side of tea, in the hypocritical spirit of cricket

309-6 England continue to blat fours before the new ball arrival, another fifty partnership before Centaur gloves one that spits from Horitz

323-7 if Sean Ruane’s a decent opera singer, Bumble’s an asteroid. New ball taken, sadly not one of Sean’s which’d help with the high notes

348-8 Two streaked fours through slips ‘We’ll get them in edges’ Johnson bounces Swan sledges swopped, classy four pop-up catch duckless Jim

355-8 The Sledging Tapes Mitchell: ‘I’ll set my girlfriend on you, she’s a black belt karate’ Stuart ‘Ooooooo -my dad’s a match adjudicator’

355-9 Duckless Jimmy edges ct Manou for one. Still not enough sledging to suit old time Aussies. Green Baggies to grow soup-strainer taches.

376-10 Broad blasts past fifty with two successive fours straight from the meat and Onions sneaks cheeky single. Broad c&b Siddle Oz 113 shy

0-46 Australia need to bat till after tea tomorrow to be stone-wall safe but could win if out beforehand and England do a fifth day Adelaide

0-47 Darth Vader appears between Barmy Army and Fantatics. Katich edges a pearler from Onions. Enter Ewok Punter Leader to save Princess Urn

2-52 Exit Ewok Punter Leader light-sabred by perfect off-break beaten in its flight of pure poetry – Will Mr Cricket save the Princess Urn?

2-87 Australia’s bogey number. Mr Cricket Hussey looks unfussed. Dr Watson solid and all Edgbaston glistens in the taut stillness of contest

2-88 Rudi strolls over to remove bails, too slow, fine half match fee for retarding over rate

I shall show them their maker’s name.
I shall not hide, nor angle nor feint,
But smite might with unholy power
The utmost of deliveries
Till their hope extinguishes,
exiled from the crease,
incarcerated for transgression,
denied deferred redemption
while I broad-blade all morrow into shape.
I am more than the Gods,
I am hero, I choose their fate
By the wreaking of havoc
When I show the maker’s name.

Edgbaston 3rd Test, 4th Day, England 376 all out, Flintoff A, ct Clarke b Horitz 74 from 79 balls

Today didn’t exist, fuller write-up to appear later about global warming and security from medieval times to be illustrated by five poems….

In the meantime, here’s the tweet-by-tweet commentary:-

body-searched x3 x2 not needed cos brought Sunday ticket for daughter. ‘For yr safety.’ Prefer the truth. ‘More than my job’s worth not to.’

Lad risks life & limb to rescue dead Glos plastic chicken from air-con unit after kwik kricketer throw misses mark. More cheers than Freddie

Banana Army pogo between stair-rods. Coppers shelter under Cafe Express. Hendrix (Jimmy, not Mike) All along the Watch Tower Kids still bat.

Might as well rain until September, sings Carole King. Considering revising “All Edgbaston glistens in stillness”

8-203 What a difference a day makes. England bowl accurately, no dud burgers, Australia found it hard to play or not play shots. From the prospect of batting second against 400 plus, England will probably be looking at 350 being a match-winning knock.

Half the spectators didn’t see Onions kick-off with two wickets in the first two balls. I never understand why people arrive late for cricket. They buy their tickets months in advance, know how to get there, how busy it’ll be, the time it takes to go through baggage check, and still they miss the start. Prats.

Straight after lunch a green team steward walks straight in front of the pavilion sightscreen to stop play before it starts. Prat.

 The wicket, being in the centre of the Balti Triangle, is pretty spicy. Although the Aussie top-order have been creamed, little of Steve Rouse’s jelly has been observed. Variable bounce and swing makes batting tricky but not impossible. But when was the last time there were three first ballers in a test innings? In an Australian test innings? The crowd are quite polite about Aussie boundaries: the English are always gracious in defeat and even more gracious in victory. Jimmy jaffas Siddle for a five-for 9-229…

James James Anderson Anderson
Five-for’ed Australia today.
Hair gelled back, heads the attack,
Didn’t give anything away.

James James Anderson Anderson,
Commonly known as Jimmy,
Up till now was too often seen
As a bit of a Green Baggy gimme.

‘No worries, blokes, climb in an’ go to town,
Too bloody silly to fret about Jimmy;
Smash it about, give it some clout,
We’re apples to win in less than a jiffy.’

LOST, BEATEN OR STRAYED.
CLARKE, NORTH, MANOU,
JOHNSON AND SIDDLE.
TOTALLED TOO DAMNED FEW,
GONE FOR A SONG, WHAT WENT WRONG?
LAST SEEN, OUT IN THE MIDDLE.

James James A A,
Play and miss who you used to diss,
Caught at the crease not taking the rise,
Troubled Punter(’)s tried to disguise
Not simply simple surprise,
In the hutch, budgie-smugglers in their whites
Gag to whip them out, legs crossed for a quick Jimmy
- hands off, he’s ours.

(now then, very softly)
JJAA
****ed Oz today
JJAA
0 2 hero
Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Australia 263 all out. Anderson J M 5 – 80

Patience is loosely based on Disobedience by A A Milne http://www.umiacs.umd.edu/~ridge/local/disobedience.html …

James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree

By Bad Light, England are 116-2, in the driver’s seat if not seat-belt secured and central locking locked – what if the Aussies do tomorrow what we do today? More likely more rain, ending in a draw, and probably not a top-drawer draw like Cardiff. Shame really, because another budgie-smuggler tight finish qua Edgbaston 2005 would be great whoever you support…

Tweet by Tweet Commentary

3-126 Onions brings tears to Aussies eyes, he’s just lbw-ed Watson plumb first ball, and bowled Hussey next ball without playing a stroke

3-142 Ponting edges past Border’s most Aussie test runs total. Needs to show AB’s grit, or could bat left-handed to give pom half a chance.

4-163 Punter the unhappy hooker goes for an Onions’ bouncer with relish, snicks to Prior. Australia’s kitchen table starting to look bare.

8-203 – Anderson taken 4 for 11. Australia sinking. Jimmy must’ve had extra Weetabix for brekkers. Green Baggies lunch intraveneous Vegemite

9-229 Jimmy jaffas Siddle for a fivefor. @DrkLessMissLess there’s more to cricket than beer and skittling out the opposition. Hair gell…..

9-257 El Super Centaur called up to end last wicket nonsense as Barmy Army fires up and Aggers lingers lovingly on masseuses in the TMS box.

10-263 is it a good score? All are relative

1-2 Cooke cooked for zip

67-2 Ian Bell’s 10,000 first class runs How many against Australia? Not enough (All scores relative) A swallow and jet cross above us all

95-2 Strauss fifty A century for either side is liable to win the game. Tinsels of rain drops brush the skin as boundaries brush the ropes.

116-2 Bad light stops play In a more virtuous world than this a photo-ethical diffuser may render naughty bad light into kindly good light

James James Anderson Anderson
Five-for’ed Australia today.
Hair gelled back, heads the attack,
Didn’t give anything away.

James James Anderson Anderson,
Commonly known as Jimmy,
Up till now was too often seen
As a bit of a Green Baggy gimme.

‘No worries, blokes, climb in an’ go to town,
Too bloody silly to fret about Jimmy;
Smash it about, give it some clout,
We’re apples to win in less than a jiffy.’

LOST, BEATEN OR STRAYED.
CLARKE, NORTH, MANOU,
JOHNSON AND SIDDLE.
TOTALLED TOO DAMNED FEW,
GONE FOR A SONG, WHAT WENT WRONG?
LAST SEEN, OUT IN THE MIDDLE.

James James A A,
Play and miss who you used to diss,
Caught at the crease not taking the rise,
Troubled Punter(’)s tried to disguise
Not simply simple surprise
In the hutch, budgie-smugglers within their whites
Gag to whip them out, legs across for a quick Jimmy
- hands off, he’s ours.

(now then, very softly)
JJAA
XXXXed Oz today
JJAA
0 2 hero
Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Australia 263 all out. Anderson J M 5 – 80

Patience is loosely based on Disobedience by A A Milne http://www.umiacs.umd.edu/~ridge/local/disobedience.html …

James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree

sometimes the satnav doesn’t seem to work
the car ahead indicates right and turns left
each supermarket trolley has a wonkey wheel
mobile phones go out of signal
and the rain stair-rods in escalators
everywhich way except up

bar staff mishear or you misorder
turning another turns too
drinks collide, profuse apologies
and curses under breath
soggy burgers fall apart
too hurried to wait
umpires gloom at the wicket
under a warm welcome sun
you think sod it

when play does start
the ball comes out of the hand
of the best quicks throughout the land
like a dud burger to be binned
to all parts of the universe

return home to discover the video
didn’t record highlights of your day
and you appreciate for these bowlers
the sat-nav sometimes plays up too