333-8 The Ashes Procession already begun, Swan welkins himself out, Australia in a treble Nelson; one eye, one arm and one submission. Wrestle with the deep.

The last phrase leads to the  poem, where it helps to know the medieval poem ‘The Ballad of Sir Patrick Spens’ (hyperlink to come)

The Ballad of Sir Andrew Strauss

ALBION sits in doleful frown,
Drine king most of the time:
‘O where will I get a steely skipper
To sail this ship of mine.’

Up and spoke a bearded miller
Sat at the ECB,
’Sir Andrew Strauss is the best skipper
To sail against history.

Albion penned broadest honour
To sign it for Engerland,
And sent message to Sir Andrew,
Doffed caps, caps in hand.

The first line that Sir Andrew said
A loud laugh of delight
The next line that Sir Andrew read
Ashened face bone white.

‘O what is this has done this deed,
This ill-deed done to me,
To send me out this time of year,
To skipper agin Eausea’

‘Make haste, make haste, merry men all,
Our good ship sails the morn;
O say not say, my  players dear,
I fear an Eausea storm.’

‘Late late yesterday I saw their new team
With their old one in their arms,
And I fear, I fear, my dear players,
That we will come to harm.’

O our hopes enobled were right loathed
To wet their heel-highed shoes,
But half o’er the play was played
Their hats they were drowned.

O long, long may Eausea ladies sit
With their tinnies in their hand
Before they see Sir Andrew Strauss
Come sailing to Engerland.

O long, long may these ladies stand
With their gold combs in their hair,
Waiting for their own dear lairds;
For they’ll not see them no more.

Half over, half over to Australia,
It’s fully five bells deep,
And there resides good Sir Andrew Strauss
With the Eausea at his feet.

An early unpublished draft
Based on The Ballad of Sir Patrick Spens (version Percy’s Reliques, 1765, I, 71: “given from two MS. copies, transmitted from Scotland.”  b. Herd’s Scots Songs, 1769, p. 243.

Tweet By Tweet Commentary

62-3 In late,Siddle wides with leg-cutter which doesn’t quite come out of back of hand, Alec Bedster would approve intent but not execution

68-3 Kay calls from home, return of squeaky steering column on jamjar, cure a squirt of furniture polish Wheels not fallen England’s inning

79-3 Why hasn’t Punter started with Johnson? Too defensive by half, without using all of four of a kind, he’s dealing himself a busted flush

92-3 North on, Trott takes five, lots of dust but nothing coming through surface, Put Dave Brubeck on, Punter, to bowl them a few pianos..

98-3 Clark>Strauss, Katich silly mid-off flinches at Strauss raising bat, then next ball dipped down third man, fifty worth century Albion’s

118-3 steely skipper is orchestrating the field, two fulminating cover-drives changes tempo, adante to allegro,pianissimo to forte Bang On!about 22 hours ago from web

139-3 a hundred partnership sea-change as steely skipper leads Albion afar to north Norway coast and to coast against North without compass.

to make merry. O to be in old England, in old England very fine time. A Flintoff c Siddle b North 22 with tears in his eye. O to be, O to be

157-3 the haven of lunch hoves to and Lord High Protector of Albion’s Commonweath edges North and iced out from the steely skipper’s tiller

157-4 Enter Prior smacks silly mid-off Ponting in face with literally full-blooded drive Harmison (Lord’s 05) looks on from distant pavilion

200-5 service delayed due to dodgy garages. Dogged England broadside Australian man of war. Prior lost overboard on the over-run Enter Fred!

200-6 in Old England – Shirley Collins and The Albion Country Band. I am, yet what I am, no man knows or cares John Clare ‘the peasant poet’

2004-6 Broad (The King is nearly dead, long live the King) Trott 67 without leaving his berth Dear Old England make hay while the sun shines

210-6 North drops Broad (who gives a XXXX) Australia sinking below waterline, (you can’t play from inside a submarine) Trott LXVII going 2 C

333-8 The Ashes Procession already begun,Swan welkins himself out, Australia in a treble Nelson 1 i 1 arm 1 submission Wrestle with the deep

354-8 Trott’s ton, who was last Blighty Bloke (South African) to century on debut? Agin Australia? Ask Kepler Wessels. Enough points scoring

379-9 Trott c Clarke b North. England declare “545 or 13 hrs before the mast” Can only rain save Australia now or is it a storming finish?

0-0 Neilometer off the scale

0-32 Aussie Team Talk: “We’re the best in the world, and we’ll get better by getting out of this alive” Swann comes on, it turns and spits.

0-67 Neilometer off the bottom. New King Broad bowls with roar from crowd like a Merlin engine of a Spitfire zoom Katich beaten all ends up.

0-71 Australian top order remain virgin intactica five overs to go Even if all young gun maidens the seated throng may feel squidgy bum time

0-78 Swann makes one turn and bite which almost edges Katich’s bat, but soft-handed angled blade keeps it down and safe. Well played both

Of course if you sit behind the bowler’s arm either at the match or in front of your slippers and tele you are a bona-fide member of the Serious Cricket Watchers Assocation (SCWA rules – 1. watch cricket 2. be serious. All transgressions punished by the utmost levity.) As such the booing of Captain Ponting is a mortal sin. Not because it is boorish, nor because it’ll get Punter’s gander up leading to even more runs to the highest test scoring Aussie bat: both are true. No, because you deny yourself appreciating a truly great player, which is why it’s the communal raspberry from the bleachers – Ian Bell dreams of being booed. The SCWA is debating whether to proscribe the merest ripple of the politest applause since it may arouse those members who find themselves dropping off so seriously have they taken to watching the game – one momentary lapse of concentration and you’re gone – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

With the MCC World Cricket Committee mooting a Test Match Championship, maybe it’s time to think about not measuring test match durations in days but in overs. In other words, 450 overs must be bowled before the game’s a draw, however many days it takes. It might seem a screwball idea at first but reasons against it aren’t cricketing. Think about it….. 

Working backwards, within the paint tin, Michael Clarke made damned sure Graham Swann got the message loud and clear that his final day dismissal at Lord’s was a fluke, a lucky fluke at that. He kept off-driving the offie for four more or less at will, in preparation for Headingley and the Oval. Why on earth didn’t Strauss stop the flogging earlier? We also learnt Bopara isn’t a test match bowler, and on this evidence his 44 first class victims must still be wondering what they did to get out.

Hussey’s gone a decent way to reinstating himself. He chose the riskier strategy of going for the drive, with plenty of playing and missing. Rightly so. It put very necessary runs on the board, and had he edged it would have flown hard and high. Interesting when he was out two balls before lunch he seemed to pull out of the shot. Watson’s become a decent make-shift opener. Plays straight and gets into line. Overall the Australians saved the game without too much fuss, just as England should have at a belter of a track at Cardiff. Well-played test cricket doesn’t necessarily mean gripping thrills.

Why didn’t England bowl out Australia? Exactly the same at Edgbaston, Vaughan’s last game, against South Africa last year. In India and two tests in the West Indies this winter, not to mention Lord’s when Australia recovered from one-hundred odd for five to over four hundred all out. England don’t seem to have the necessary hardness, gumf, guile, call-it-what-you-will to kill off sides from a winning position in the final innings. Overall England’s attack need helpful conditions to oust the Australian top-order, plus some suicide – the pulls and hooks first innings at Lord’s, or uncertainty how to play swing in the first innings here. Equally Australia don’t seem to have the bowlers for English conditions, Hilfenhaus the exception. However they must be learning, both batsmen and bowlers, whereas there are still question marks dangling against Bopara and Prior at least with the bat, and Broad with the ball. In deed the best English batsman was Flintoff who played a Pietersen innings, 74 from 79 balls, before getting the one unplayable ball from Horitz so far in the series. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. His knee is a desperate worry.

Captain watch. Strauss still remains curious. Why no Anderson from the off on the last day? Ponting seems lonely, not having someone to talk to, leading to micro-management field changes rather than sweeps of strategy. He must be thinking micro-management thoughts all the time, which may explain his lack of runs since Cardiff.

Australia may feel they left Birmingham ahead on points, but the second morning when six wickets fell in double-quick time will haunt.

For me, watching Manou was a joy. Not perfect, but a proper wicket-keeper, not just a bat who happens to keep. Not quite so, Ref Rudi Koertzen. Having written a poem about his 100th test http://www.ashespoetry.net/2009/07/16/koertzen/ detailing the travails of the job, I’m none too critical of him refuting a stone-wall lb against Belly which according to Hawkeye splatted the middle of the middle stump (it may’ve been different were it Punter….) How can anyone tell an umpire’s losing it until he starts to – even himself. You might start singing The Specials’ ‘Message for you, Rudi’ but he’s not nearly as bad as the umpire in Drink Less Miss Less www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbR2HivqRoM starring glamour-puss Jimmy Anderson. My beef was at the end of the fourth day. Play kicked off at lunch and stopped at 7.30 with four overs to go. It should have been three, but Rudi walked so slowly from square leg (maybe that’s why, he’s got them, square legs) that the clock had clunked past the witching hour. In days of yore umpires used to run, or in David Shepherd’s case at England on 111,  hop like an overweight Zebedee, to make sure we got the overs in. It was as bad a piece of delaying play as the batting gloves at Cardiff. Financially Mr Koertzen owes the Edgbaston faithful £20,000 according the calculations made on the back of my £60 ticket (£1 an over, 20,000 crowd = ) Personally the problem with umpires today is that they lack gravitas. Billy Bowden’s crook-fingered sixes are all well and good, but I remember Sid Buller who made Marlon Brando in The Godfather or Apocalypse Now! seem like Mr Bean. You’d never dare question Sid, especially when both of you knew he was wrong. 

The ground’s filling with 1500 tickets left half-an-hour before play. Buying chips yesterday my daughter reports a group who were pleased there’s a fifth day since it gives them the chance for a carte blanche on fast-food alley – curry, kebabs, pizza, fish’n'chips and burgers, not to mention Aussie Mitchell Johnsons, sorry pies. What’s missing is that wonderful Black Country delicacy, Bacon and Paeses. Hussey holds back a drive since lunch approaches and edges, out. The game is still as finely balanced as at the start of play

Nearly an hour after lunch and the game is imperceptibly shifting from contest to drift, Australia are playing sensible cricket, the draw draws closer. Neil says there are no flags. Just a Southern Cross – with ‘Aus’ in red felt-tip on its edge which indicates no-one in Edgbaston is entirely sure what the Australian flag looks like – and a cross of St George. Not even a Union Flag, never mind a Warwickshire County Cricket Club. It’s odd with so much patriotic fervour in place.

4-259 North strokes Onions through covers, no one moves, most beautiful shot of series. Clarke joins North passing fifty to save Southern Cross. Draw. Once this is done, the game enters an immense passage of boredom and images of dead marshalling yards or quaysides full of rusting hulks in the weekend’s rain fill my mind. Perhaps it’s driving past the flattened acres of Longbridge, the burial yard of the British car industry each day. At any rate it’s definitely the most pointless session of cricket I’ve ever seen, the only pleasure is the smile on the Neilometer, which indicates Aussie cricket-watcher’s overall mood.

Safety In Numbers

On Monday 3rd August 2009
after the departure of four of their team
Clarke and North guided Australia from nine hours
out to safety. Navigating under the Southern Cross
in the northern hemisphere they reached haven
through diligence, application and no small measure
of audacity which brings its own fortune

On Sunday 21st April 1861
Burke and Wills reached Cooper’s Creek
nine hours after their team-mates had departed.
Supplies were left but strength meagre,
playing a harsher game for more serious stakes,
the exploration of Australia,
they died. Audacity brings its own fortune
and is a bitter impotent spectator

Tweet by Tweet Commentary

2-88 This could be a bloody long day, says Neil, my Aussie mate. Isn’t that just what you want? I reply. Mr Hussey looks ominously unfussy.

2-99 Four overs in Flintoff finds the Lord’s line outside off-stump, Mr Cricket drives four and air. Each tests and raises the other’s game.

2-118 Swann replaces Onions with a maiden. Hussey keeps going for broke, riding his luck to turn runs into time Flintoff works Watson over

2-123 Flintoff sledges Watson with his hands in his pockets. Is there no end to his talents? Short stuff to push the bat back for the yorker

2-132 Drinks. Aussie’s hour. 19 ahead.The one way they can win is bat badly, and England do worse. Watson’s fifty off Jimmy, ct Prior. 3-137

3-146 Hussey fifty, Clarke off mark with leave-alone that hits bat to run through slips Swann to Clarke critical given 2nd innings at Lord’s

3-151 Hussey brings up 150 with off-drive that Cooke misses cos he goes for it one-handed, sloppy work, Cooke’s tally for England now minus four

3-155 Clarke beaten by jaffa Anderson outswinger Nothing anyone can do about them except thank the heavens you’ve missed it Clouds duly come

3-161 Broad’s second over, batting seems easier; easing Swann from the attack is a small victory when Hussey edges 4-161 game edges poms way

4-171 England aim to throttle North outside off-stump, North smacks one through the covers, two balls to lunch, game evenly balanced…lunch

4-208 Swann on (at last) Flintoff’s possible last blast. Boycott thinks it’s all crackers Blighty needs to magic or buy a wicket, on #ebay?

4-209 Fred falls over, fifty partnership, counter-clockwise Mexican wave like water and plugholes in the southern hemisphere, (banned in Oz)

4-219 Bopara on for Flintoff, test average 155.00 – bowling, not batting – need to buy a wicket at any price but, Andrew, Bopara, white flag

4-236 big appeal off Swann goes upstairs. boot or bat. Law 3.1.2 explains all except why rules of cricket are called ‘Laws’ Get with it, MCC

4-249 comedy of errrors near run-out may lead to dishonorable mention in match report. Alim Dar shows niftier footwork than Rudi – new ball

4-259 North strokes Onions through covers no one moves most beautiful shot of series Clarke joins North passing fifty to save Southern Cross

4-293 last sesssion of play, dead game, watching paint dry inside the tin Bye-bye, y’all, see you at Headingley Carnegie this Friday

On Monday 3rd August 2009
after the departure of four of their team
Clarke and North guided Australia from nine hours
to safety. Navigating under the Southern Cross
in the northern hemisphere they reached haven
through diligence, application and no small measure
of audacity which brings its own fortune

On Sunday 21st April 1861
Burke and Wills reached Cooper’s Creek
nine hours after their team-mates had departed.
Supplies were left but strength meagre,
playing a harsher game for more serious stakes,
the exploration of Australia,
they died. Audacity brings its own fortune
and is a bitter impotent spectator

no great drama, simply done,
perfectly flighted, and spun.
flight to draw the bat towards the ball,
without the ball being where the bat is drawn,
that is the guile of the craft.

to beat the stroke through thin air
thins the air though the air
itself turns as one in the deception
twirled twixt fingers and thumb,
end of story, the rest perfunction.

once past the bat the bat is gone,
spin predictable, wicket inevitable
in the span between apogee and descent
where the very air seemed bent

to undo their best    created ahead
of the crease within the head for limbs
to heed and send the ideal missive,
no great drama, simply done,
set up by those before

Ponting R T b Swann 5

Whether they will is the morrow. Yesterday was a great day’s cricket played by two less than great sides. For the first time in the series Australia let England’s batsmen get away from them. 376 was probably fifty too many, and 74 of them was scored by Freddie Flintoff in 79 balls. A magnificent innings, a true all-rounder’s innings, providing the fire-power in lieu of Pietersen. You must forgive a dropped slip-catch, and less than standard-bearing performance with the ball - not found that killer line on and just outside off-stump -  yesterday you saw the Flintoff of old at the crease, a colossus whose bat looks a spatula in his maw.

The Maker’s Name

I shall show them their maker’s name.
I shall not hide, nor angle nor feint,
But smite might with unholy power
The utmost of deliveries
Till their hope extinguishes,
exiled from the crease,
incarcerated for transgression,
denied deferred redemption
while I broad-blade all morrow into shape.
I am more than the Gods,
I am hero, I choose their fate
By the wreaking of havoc
When I show the maker’s name.

Edgbaston 3rd Test, 4th Day, England 376 all out, Flintoff A, ct Clarke b Horitz 74 from 79 balls

Flintoff was dismissed by a brute of a ball from offie Horitz which lifted from just short of a length. Unplayable. It’s that sort of a wicket, you need to graft as well as attack. Horitz came on after three overs from Watson which went for twenty-six, just helping England’s cause. Interestingly, when it came to Australia’s innings, Strauss fast-tracked his offie, Swann, ahead of Broad, 3/4th seamer. The reward for adventure? A pearler of a delivery which did opposing skipper Ponting all ends up. A ball which made all the frustration of no play yesterday a minor irritant, which made the £60 ticket a bargain at twice the price, a privilege to watch, not least the stunned delighted look on Graham Swann’s face which said ‘I’ve just done exactly what I set out to do, deceive arguably the best batsman in the world today all ends up. It doesn’t get better than this.’

The Ball

no great drama, simply done,
perfectly flighted, and spun.
flight to draw the bat towards the ball,
without the ball being where the bat is drawn,
that is the guile of the craft.

to beat the stroke through thin air
thins the air though the air
itself turns as one in the deception
twirled twixt fingers and thumb,
end of story, the rest perfunction.

once past the bat the bat is gone,
spin predictable, wicket inevitable
in the span between apogee and descent
when the very air seemed bent

to undo their best   created ahead
in the mind for the body
to heed and find the ideal ball,
no great drama, simply done,
set up by those before

 Ponting R T b Swann 5

Monty Panesar, please note, watch the video of your colleague’s over to Punter over and over again. That is why he’s in the team and you’re not. Unless you add guile to undoubted technical prowess and enthusiasm, saving the game at Cardiff may be your last achievement in an England shirt.

Will Australia save themselves, or will the weather? See tomorrow’s blog

Tweet by Tweet Commentary

five minutes to noon, and start of play Bad news Sean Ruane didn’t drown yesterday but back to murder Blake’s Jerusalem as well as our ears

141-3 Strauss, Lord High Protector, slashes Amish Ben Hilfenhaus when it gets big and CAMRA approved keeper Manou takes the edge unhurriedly

143-3 Johnson for Siddle ‘Brings on the Pies’ clowns the crowd. Bell bounced then off-drives four. Collingwood drives and edges 2 more 4s.

159-4 Collingwood drives two balls ahead of lunch, edges to slip. Poor shot selection, humble pie may be on menu, Hilfenhaus for a five-for.

166-4 Bell and Prior; classic technique vs box of spanners and at last Rudi gives Bell LB, for Flintoff to enter at 168-5 a collosus in pads

187-5 Aussies unlucky number. Super Centaur leans on the drive, four runs, as Fred gets bigger, Punter smalller, mutatis mutandis vice-versa

267-6 Fred Flintoff swipes Horwitz for six to level scores, then sweeps four for his fifty, “With my bat I shall present the maker’s name.”

290-6 Ponting micro-manages fillibustering field-changes to time two new ball bursts each side of tea, in the hypocritical spirit of cricket

309-6 England continue to blat fours before the new ball arrival, another fifty partnership before Centaur gloves one that spits from Horitz

323-7 if Sean Ruane’s a decent opera singer, Bumble’s an asteroid. New ball taken, sadly not one of Sean’s which’d help with the high notes

348-8 Two streaked fours through slips ‘We’ll get them in edges’ Johnson bounces Swan sledges swopped, classy four pop-up catch duckless Jim

355-8 The Sledging Tapes Mitchell: ‘I’ll set my girlfriend on you, she’s a black belt karate’ Stuart ‘Ooooooo -my dad’s a match adjudicator’

355-9 Duckless Jimmy edges ct Manou for one. Still not enough sledging to suit old time Aussies. Green Baggies to grow soup-strainer taches.

376-10 Broad blasts past fifty with two successive fours straight from the meat and Onions sneaks cheeky single. Broad c&b Siddle Oz 113 shy

0-46 Australia need to bat till after tea tomorrow to be stone-wall safe but could win if out beforehand and England do a fifth day Adelaide

0-47 Darth Vader appears between Barmy Army and Fantatics. Katich edges a pearler from Onions. Enter Ewok Punter Leader to save Princess Urn

2-52 Exit Ewok Punter Leader light-sabred by perfect off-break beaten in its flight of pure poetry – Will Mr Cricket save the Princess Urn?

2-87 Australia’s bogey number. Mr Cricket Hussey looks unfussed. Dr Watson solid and all Edgbaston glistens in the taut stillness of contest

2-88 Rudi strolls over to remove bails, too slow, fine half match fee for retarding over rate

I shall show them their maker’s name.
I shall not hide, nor angle nor feint,
But smite might with unholy power
The utmost of deliveries
Till their hope extinguishes,
exiled from the crease,
incarcerated for transgression,
denied deferred redemption
while I broad-blade all morrow into shape.
I am more than the Gods,
I am hero, I choose their fate
By the wreaking of havoc
When I show the maker’s name.

Edgbaston 3rd Test, 4th Day, England 376 all out, Flintoff A, ct Clarke b Horitz 74 from 79 balls

In the meantime, here’s the tweet-by-tweet commentary:-

body-searched x3 x2 not needed cos brought Sunday ticket for daughter. ‘For yr safety.’ Prefer the truth. ‘More than my job’s worth not to.’

Lad risks life & limb to rescue dead Glos plastic chicken from air-con unit after kwik kricketer throw misses mark. More cheers than Freddie

Banana Army pogo between stair-rods. Coppers shelter under Cafe Express. Hendrix (Jimmy, not Mike) All along the Watch Tower Kids still bat.

Might as well rain until September, sings Carole King. Considering revising “All Edgbaston glistens in stillness”

Half the spectators didn’t see Onions kick-off with two wickets in the first two balls. I never understand why people arrive late for cricket. They buy their tickets months in advance, know how to get there, how busy it’ll be, the time it takes to go through baggage check, and still they miss the start. Prats.

Straight after lunch a green team steward walks straight in front of the pavilion sightscreen to stop play before it starts. Prat.

 The wicket, being in the centre of the Balti Triangle, is pretty spicy. Although the Aussie top-order have been creamed, little of Steve Rouse’s jelly has been observed. Variable bounce and swing makes batting tricky but not impossible. But when was the last time there were three first ballers in a test innings? In an Australian test innings? The crowd are quite polite about Aussie boundaries: the English are always gracious in defeat and even more gracious in victory. Jimmy jaffas Siddle for a five-for 9-229…

James James Anderson Anderson
Five-for’ed Australia today.
Hair gelled back, heads the attack,
Didn’t give anything away.

James James Anderson Anderson,
Commonly known as Jimmy,
Up till now was too often seen
As a bit of a Green Baggy gimme.

‘No worries, blokes, climb in an’ go to town,
Too bloody silly to fret about Jimmy;
Smash it about, give it some clout,
We’re apples to win in less than a jiffy.’

LOST, BEATEN OR STRAYED.
CLARKE, NORTH, MANOU,
JOHNSON AND SIDDLE.
TOTALLED TOO DAMNED FEW,
GONE FOR A SONG, WHAT WENT WRONG?
LAST SEEN, OUT IN THE MIDDLE.

James James A A,
Play and miss who you used to diss,
Caught at the crease not taking the rise,
Troubled Punter(’)s tried to disguise
Not simply simple surprise,
In the hutch, budgie-smugglers in their whites
Gag to whip them out, legs crossed for a quick Jimmy
- hands off, he’s ours.

(now then, very softly)
JJAA
****ed Oz today
JJAA
0 2 hero
Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Australia 263 all out. Anderson J M 5 – 80

Patience is loosely based on Disobedience by A A Milne http://www.umiacs.umd.edu/~ridge/local/disobedience.html …

James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree

By Bad Light, England are 116-2, in the driver’s seat if not seat-belt secured and central locking locked – what if the Aussies do tomorrow what we do today? More likely more rain, ending in a draw, and probably not a top-drawer draw like Cardiff. Shame really, because another budgie-smuggler tight finish qua Edgbaston 2005 would be great whoever you support…

Tweet by Tweet Commentary

3-126 Onions brings tears to Aussies eyes, he’s just lbw-ed Watson plumb first ball, and bowled Hussey next ball without playing a stroke

3-142 Ponting edges past Border’s most Aussie test runs total. Needs to show AB’s grit, or could bat left-handed to give pom half a chance.

4-163 Punter the unhappy hooker goes for an Onions’ bouncer with relish, snicks to Prior. Australia’s kitchen table starting to look bare.

8-203 – Anderson taken 4 for 11. Australia sinking. Jimmy must’ve had extra Weetabix for brekkers. Green Baggies lunch intraveneous Vegemite

9-229 Jimmy jaffas Siddle for a fivefor. @DrkLessMissLess there’s more to cricket than beer and skittling out the opposition. Hair gell…..

9-257 El Super Centaur called up to end last wicket nonsense as Barmy Army fires up and Aggers lingers lovingly on masseuses in the TMS box.

10-263 is it a good score? All are relative

1-2 Cooke cooked for zip

67-2 Ian Bell’s 10,000 first class runs How many against Australia? Not enough (All scores relative) A swallow and jet cross above us all

95-2 Strauss fifty A century for either side is liable to win the game. Tinsels of rain drops brush the skin as boundaries brush the ropes.

116-2 Bad light stops play In a more virtuous world than this a photo-ethical diffuser may render naughty bad light into kindly good light