Ashes Poetry

Before checking the Dressing Stations behind front lines at Headingley, I’d like to say how marvellous it was and is that there is an Ashes Festival in Leeds www.ashesfestivalinleeds.com. I would say that since they asked me to close the official reception this Tuesday, which I did with http://www.ashespoetry.net/2009/08/03/safety-in-numbers/ written the evening before. It seemed to go down pretty well, but I was more impressed by the efforts Yorkshire County Cricket Club had gone to engage with the rest of the city – it reminded me of Cardiff more than Lord’s, an effort to use the cricket to display the city. Design and co-ordination by www.bananakick.com who’ve done a great job. Perhaps more important in the long term is the launch of the Yorkshire Cricket Foundation, a charity to promote cricket in the community http://www.yorkshireccc.com/community/communityreport/index.html for the benefit of the community as well as cricket. Good on yer.

I’m keen to discover if Sean Ruane will be singing Jerusalem at Headingley. If you’ve read the tweets http://twitter.com/ashespoetry you’ll see I can’t stand it, cod-opera and the murder of William Blake’s vision. I’m pretty certain Sean can’t stand it either, kareoking Pavarotti’s grave five days on the trot, with crap p.a. and acoustics to an audience who couldn’t give a XXXX. It keeps him in drinking tokens, I guess. Jerusalem’s a bit more serious. On Sunday we drove home to leafy Bredon, Worcestershire, past a Co-op which was shut cos it was Sunday. No worries, they’ll be a convenience along the road. We found a Cost-Cutter in the rough end of Stirchley, near a burnt-out car, my daughter was sharp to point out. It was cheap, food not mint-fresh, and Waitrose it wasn’t, more dark satanic mills William Blake was urging to replace in Jersalem. It’s a protest song, from the Songs of Innocence and Experience.

More of this sometime later, but if Sean Ruane is to give it some welly, we think there should also be some Aussie songs too. Their official national anthem ‘Advance Australia Fair’ is about as bad as ours. However my friend Neil Smith, Director of www.tav.au  in Adelaide, who came over just to hear Sean sing, reckons he’s got the answer for a new Australian national anthem. The Vegemite Song:-

We’re happy little Vegemites
As bright as bright can be.
We all enjoy our Vegemite
For breakfast, lunch and tea.
Our Mummies say we’re growing stronger
Every single week
Because we love our Vegemite.
We all adore our Vegemite.
IT PUTS A ROSE IN EVERY CHEEK!

Fairly innocent and above board - what else would you expect from J Walter Thompson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegemite) – until you realise exactly which cheeks of the body each rose is put upon remains unspecified. On those grounds, of insufficient yet too much salaciousness it has to be vetoed for the Western Stand of Headingley, where they’ve already banned Barmy Army’s Billy The Trumpet (but Ashes Poetry can exclusively reveal he’s been retained for the demolition work for the new Jerusalem that will be Headingley given the track-record of his forebear Joshua at Jericho.) We need something to move adults to sing canned brio qua Sean Ruane, even if cans of lager are also banned. Bread of Heaven is an obvious choice, but clearly insufficiently antipodean. What could be more Australian than budgie-smugglers, where my last remaining literary ambition is to see it inside the Oxford English Dictionary ….

Things are tight, but they’ll get tighter,
Grab your chances in each hand.
Hold on fast while urge grows stronger,
Lead us to the promised land.

Budgie-smugglers, budgie-smugglers,
Squeeze me till I’m squeezed no more,
                                      (squeezed no more,)
Squeeze me till I’m squeezed no more. 

However it won’t replace the Green Baggies’ Under The Southern Cross. Will they be singing it at the end of the Headingley Test?

Brian Homer – www.homercreative.com – has devised the Neilometer, which measures an Aussie fan’s disposition during procedings. At Edgbaston the Neilometer swung from smug satisfaction at the end of the first day to stunned disbelief followed by scowlful showers and nervous disposition before resuming a sunny though not quite rosey vegemite glow. A day ahead at Headingley the Neilometer seemed to be wavering around cautiously optimistic, as does John Bull.

One problem in prognosticating is the number of walking wounded…. Flintoff’s knee, KP’s achilles, Swann’s bruised ego, Lee’s rib, Clarke’s stomach, Haddin’s finger… add them all together and you get something that looks like Arnie Schwarzenegger at the tail end of Terminator II with pads, box and helmet. (If this isn’t a clear case of too many games too close together, the BCCI also wanting to avoid WADA doping rules because of too much cricket, not to mention acronyms, is a CIP – case in point.)

England have brought in Trott in case Flintoff is crook. Laurel, my daughter, says this is to give tired headline writers extra punning material, but it could be to restore the number of South Africans in the England team to two. It used to be Yorkshiremen, and before any Aussies get too sniffy, remember Kepler Wessels, who actually played for South Africa after opening for Australia, where he out-lawried pigeon-fancier Bill Lawrie. Incidentally, name the cricketer who was born in one country, played for another, banned by a third for playing in a fourth – Laurel thought that one up for our Edgbaston sports quiz.

What’s interesting were Flintoff’ crook and Haddin’s okay is that the teams may switch in balance. Australia could play Haddin at six and five specialist bowlers, and England Prior at seven with four bowlers. Exactly who is anyone’s guess. I’d go for Haddin at six and add Clark and Lee to drop Siddle – they need to attack and they’re still yet to take twenty wickets. England’s trickier if Flintoff can’t be screwed back together in time. Four bowlers looks light, but Prior at six without Flintoff at seven looks light too. You realise the value of a true all-rounder. If Flintoff’s fit, as Edgbaston. If not, then only Anderson is dead certain of a place in the attack, and Broad if they don’t play six batsmen. In all these circumstances winning the toss may not be as important as bowling under overcast conditions. My prediction? If both sides go for a win it’ll be a draw. If England aim for a draw, they’ll lose. I’ve just tapped the Neilometer, which remains set at quizzical.