Ashes Poetry

8-203 What a difference a day makes. England bowl accurately, no dud burgers, Australia found it hard to play or not play shots. From the prospect of batting second against 400 plus, England will probably be looking at 350 being a match-winning knock.

Half the spectators didn’t see Onions kick-off with two wickets in the first two balls. I never understand why people arrive late for cricket. They buy their tickets months in advance, know how to get there, how busy it’ll be, the time it takes to go through baggage check, and still they miss the start. Prats.

Straight after lunch a green team steward walks straight in front of the pavilion sightscreen to stop play before it starts. Prat.

 The wicket, being in the centre of the Balti Triangle, is pretty spicy. Although the Aussie top-order have been creamed, little of Steve Rouse’s jelly has been observed. Variable bounce and swing makes batting tricky but not impossible. But when was the last time there were three first ballers in a test innings? In an Australian test innings? The crowd are quite polite about Aussie boundaries: the English are always gracious in defeat and even more gracious in victory. Jimmy jaffas Siddle for a five-for 9-229…

James James Anderson Anderson
Five-for’ed Australia today.
Hair gelled back, heads the attack,
Didn’t give anything away.

James James Anderson Anderson,
Commonly known as Jimmy,
Up till now was too often seen
As a bit of a Green Baggy gimme.

‘No worries, blokes, climb in an’ go to town,
Too bloody silly to fret about Jimmy;
Smash it about, give it some clout,
We’re apples to win in less than a jiffy.’

LOST, BEATEN OR STRAYED.
CLARKE, NORTH, MANOU,
JOHNSON AND SIDDLE.
TOTALLED TOO DAMNED FEW,
GONE FOR A SONG, WHAT WENT WRONG?
LAST SEEN, OUT IN THE MIDDLE.

James James A A,
Play and miss who you used to diss,
Caught at the crease not taking the rise,
Troubled Punter(’)s tried to disguise
Not simply simple surprise,
In the hutch, budgie-smugglers in their whites
Gag to whip them out, legs crossed for a quick Jimmy
- hands off, he’s ours.

(now then, very softly)
JJAA
****ed Oz today
JJAA
0 2 hero
Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Australia 263 all out. Anderson J M 5 – 80

Patience is loosely based on Disobedience by A A Milne http://www.umiacs.umd.edu/~ridge/local/disobedience.html …

James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree

By Bad Light, England are 116-2, in the driver’s seat if not seat-belt secured and central locking locked – what if the Aussies do tomorrow what we do today? More likely more rain, ending in a draw, and probably not a top-drawer draw like Cardiff. Shame really, because another budgie-smuggler tight finish qua Edgbaston 2005 would be great whoever you support…

Tweet by Tweet Commentary

3-126 Onions brings tears to Aussies eyes, he’s just lbw-ed Watson plumb first ball, and bowled Hussey next ball without playing a stroke

3-142 Ponting edges past Border’s most Aussie test runs total. Needs to show AB’s grit, or could bat left-handed to give pom half a chance.

4-163 Punter the unhappy hooker goes for an Onions’ bouncer with relish, snicks to Prior. Australia’s kitchen table starting to look bare.

8-203 – Anderson taken 4 for 11. Australia sinking. Jimmy must’ve had extra Weetabix for brekkers. Green Baggies lunch intraveneous Vegemite

9-229 Jimmy jaffas Siddle for a fivefor. @DrkLessMissLess there’s more to cricket than beer and skittling out the opposition. Hair gell…..

9-257 El Super Centaur called up to end last wicket nonsense as Barmy Army fires up and Aggers lingers lovingly on masseuses in the TMS box.

10-263 is it a good score? All are relative

1-2 Cooke cooked for zip

67-2 Ian Bell’s 10,000 first class runs How many against Australia? Not enough (All scores relative) A swallow and jet cross above us all

95-2 Strauss fifty A century for either side is liable to win the game. Tinsels of rain drops brush the skin as boundaries brush the ropes.

116-2 Bad light stops play In a more virtuous world than this a photo-ethical diffuser may render naughty bad light into kindly good light