Ashes Poetry

On the way here a bus advertised the remake of Taking Pelham 1,2,3 where a runaway NY subway train has to be, well taken. Which is the task facing the England attack, Taking Aussies 1,2,3. The theme continues within. Marston’s declares “England has history, Australia previous.” Who has the courage of their convictions? The food and drink seems reasonably priced (£3.30 a pint of chemicalified ersatz whallop can’t be termed ’surprisingly cheap’) and the queues not too long. I look for my old mates, t-shirted Aussies declaring their members of the David Boon Drinking Academy. ‘Sad,’ I told them in Cardiff ‘Never thought I’d see the day Aussies advertising they needed lessons in drinking.’ Boonie famously drank 23 tinnies on the flight from Oz to Pomland, which demonstrates the weakness of Aussie beer as much as the stomach of their men. It’s all too civilised here. Why, they even let spectators take in a modicum of alcohol – two pints of beer or a large glass of wine. Helps keep the in-house prices down, I guess.

England won the toss, elected to bat. Teams as printed on the card. Better go and get one then. Strauss clearly knows his onions since he’s picked him. 90 for 1 at lunch will be cool. I’m in the Compton stand, and apart from the Pavilion, and the slope of course, the entire arena changed since I was last here in 1976, watching David Steele disappear into the pavilion basement before facing the wrath of Lillian Thompson. Boycott’s going to ring the five minute bell, and at the speed he scored at, he should have started the night before. His highest test score, 254, against NZ, led to him being dropped with Ken Barrington for slow scoring. On the tickets and around the ground are banners declaring the best international performances at Lord’s. Part of me wants to know the worst – Gooch bagged a pair in his first test, wasn’t it at Lord’s. It’s not just mockery. Quite the reverse, you have to be good to fail at Lord’s, just to arrive. The crowd are reflected in the ET media centre window, Rudi Koerzten’s 100th test, all England pray he’s not troubled to raise his finger before lunch. 90-1 fingers crossed.

Koertzen

to stand in judgement upon others
to view impartially
to assess the evidence
in the blink of a moment

before accession or denial of appeal
without expert witnesses
cross-examination
advice taken in chambers
whatever’s laid bare in camera

our aim is simple
to make most perfect the verdict
from the most imperfect of tasks
until all decisions are good
however badly they may be taken

on the occasion of umpire Rudi Koertzen’s hundredth test match

Strip low and flat, Johnson straying too much onto leg-stump. Onions could be a wise choice, Lord’s a-murmour in anticipation, waves against a distant shore. Not that Koertzen has much work to do, only a single appeal as England go in at lunch 120 odd for none, the tour-bus Aussies ahead perplexed that this wasn’t on their itinary, and yet nearly 200 for none runs out at 356 for 6 by stumps. Captain Strauss batting the entire day through:-

Strauss

no cavalier disposition
no frills nor fripperies

he bats round-shouldered
legs apart, more ready to shovel coal
than play straight in the classical manner

more relaxed and refined at the other end
weight on bat, one leg straight, other bent
at the knee, one toe to the ground, a yeoman farmer
lent on a gate turned a general of men,
he carries his duty from dawn till dusk
despite all who fall about him
or clamour his dismissal from post.

Lord High Protector of England
and the Common Wealth
He bends his knee to none
but himself

2nd Test, Lord’s Day One, England 353/6 A J Strauss 161*

And tweet by tweet….

4-0 Strauss wins toss, clearly knows his Onions since he’s picked him.Anxiety scuds between the clouds and the slope, all tasks start uphill
23-0 strip low easy flat, Strauss flashes, edges, slips through slips, perhaps Aussies scaled their Euro quota for slippery fish to barbeque
Buxton drinks England sip a rare crystal rimmed with fours no cracks crazes of needless wickets Such sweet cool nectar to parched lips
88-0 Cookie’s fifty 11 fours 1 just edged through slips. Siddle is the trickiest to middle and to be left at peril. Punter turns to spin
161-0 nosebleed time for Brits. All Lord’s a picture, contentedly murmuring a fat sleepy cat with a thick bowl of cream as Aussie faces sour
177-0 Sour faced Aussies turn butter fingers, Punter’s cheesed off by Albion milking them silly Green Baggies curdle gradually in the sun.
196-1 Cooke lbw Johnson, systemic failure feet in a bucket mind bewailing missed opportunity of century v Australia at Lords.Bopara 4 200-1
222-2 Double Nelson Bopara lbw Hilfenhouse trying to pull Aussies off the floor and from the ropes. Pietersen to deliver the knock-out blow?
267-3 Pietersen cHaddin bSiddle 32 Ladies pause their fans as wantoness leave. Captain Troy gone, enter Gabriel Oaks Collingwood to save day
300-3 Squire Andrew Boldwood considers valentining an ashes tempress. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, suitors for the perfumed urn
302-4 Collingwood holes out to deep mid-on Strauss leans on bat when not holding up innings and Australians as afternoon turns antipodean. about 5 hours ago
317-5 Prior plays around inswinging Johnson to bring Fred to crease. How to play? Cavalier to Strauss’s round-head or off-his-rocker ThorGod
333-6 Treble-Nelson Fred edges Ponting pounces, day all too soon turned on its head from heady morning – six wickets 137 runs Strauss solid.
360-7 Lord High Protector of the Commonwealth Cromwell Strauss 157* carrying his bat from the dawn to the dusk of play. 5000 career runs